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Scientists Reveal Eels Premiership Window Won’t Open for 10 Billion Years After Mahoney Reportedly Signs for Dogs

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Scientists Reveal Eels Premiership Window Won’t Open for 10 Billion Years After Mahoney Reportedly Signs for Dogs

DYOR Dave

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In news that will no doubt ruin the day of any Eels fan, Fox Sports are reporting that star Hooker Reed Mahoney will be joining the Bulldogs on a four-year deal worth worth $2.4 million.

While scientists had previously stated that the Eels would not win another premiership until the sun explodes in approximately 5 billion years’ time, the departure of one of their best players has forced a recalibration of the quant models used to predict the Eels premiership chances.

Through a collaborative effort between the CSIRO and Hello Sport Laboratories, the updated timeframe now stands at 10 billion years, at which point the sun would have completed its expansion, and turned into a white dwarf.

A white dwarf is effectively a cold corpse of a star, with no energy or heat rendering it as useless as the trophy cabinet at Parramatta.

Having already lost Isaiah Papali’i to the Tigers, experts aren’t ruling out the possibility of extending the timeframe even further, although it’s difficult to say what the universe will look like at that stage.

 

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Guess what? Parra Dribblers Still Think They’re Winning the Premiership

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Guess what? Parra Dribblers Still Think They’re Winning the Premiership

DYOR Dave

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After their shock upset win over a lacklustre Storm outfit, Eels fans nationwide have been rejuvenated and spurred into a frenzy, thinking that this anomaly somehow correlates to increased chances of a premiership victory. To paraphrase Tom and Eddy, I’ve never been more confident of a Storm premiership after that loss, which has lifted the burden of a record-winning streak from the shoulders of the Melbourne club. Maybe the Storm played crap, Maybe Parra played well, or maybe Craig Bellamy threw the game to take the pressure off his side. Whatever the reason was for this shock result, the science still points towards the sun exploding before the Eels win a grand final.

Long-time dribbler Fenno highlighted his lack of omenry study with a post in the Punters and Dribblers group, accompanied by a photo that has fewer pixels than I’ve had sober nights in lockdown. It said:

“It is 2021. 20 years after the Knights won their last grand final against Parramatta. The heritage jersey for 2021 is the design the Knights won the 2001 grand final in. Doing some rugby league math and the way the draw works for the final series will see Newcastle Vs Parramatta in the GF. Knights 30 – Parramatta 24. Also for added omenry… Knights also versed the Roosters in the Qualifying final that year and won 40-6. Knights will also draw the roosters in the qualifying final this year too.”

While there may be some parallels between 2001 and 2021, Fenno fails to take into account the fact that in 2001, the Eels finished in first place, losing only 4 games and setting a new regular-season points scoring record, before one of the greatest chokes of all time saw them go down 24-0 at half time in the grand final, and going on to lose the decider, their first loss in 10 games, and second loss in 23. (Don’t take streaks into the finals series)

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Fenno was joined by fellow dribbler Daniel Pouloudis who shared a post from Useless Rugby League Stats which said:

“Parramatta have now beaten Melbourne on two successive occasions. The last two times Parramatta have done this to Melbourne (2001 and 2009), they went on to make the grand final.”

Sorry to break it to you Eels fans, but you lost both those grand finals as well, so I’d be happy to see a repeat of 2009 (except without getting it stripped this time).

One has to admire the optimism of these Parra dribblers, who have shown complete disrespect to the extensive scientific research performed by the Hello Sport lab team in conjunction with the CSIRO that has unequivocally proven the sun will explode before the Eels win another premiership. Any fluctuations in probability would have been recognised by Tom and Eddy in their extensive daily omenry study. Trust us, Punters and Dribblers, if Parra stood any chance of winning this year, we’d be the first to know about it.

Premierships never

Sun explosions soon

 

 

Fancy yourself as a bit of a writer? Got some unqualified opinion and unwavering bias you’d like to share with the world? Send it through to dyor@hellosport.com.au to be featured on the site

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Eels Dribbler Reckons Parra are in Red Hot Form

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Eels Dribbler Reckons Parra are in Red Hot Form

by Jordan Forbes

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There are three events each year I enjoy more than any other; Christmas, tax return and Eels late-season form slump. At one point in time, the Parramatta Eels were the laughing stock of the NRL, collecting back to back wooden spoons in 2012/13. Now they continued to be laughed at as they failed to get past the second week in their last 3 finals appearances, despite finishing in the top 4 on two occasions. While most clubs would love to be on the ladder position that the Eels have found themselves in recent years, they have yet to leave a mark on the competition, and 2021 has been no different.

With their recent result being an absolute thumping from the top 4 bound Manly “Tommy Turbo” Sea Eagles, many pundits around the rugby league media landscape have weighed in on “What’s the matter with Parramatta”. Some have claimed it’s been in-fighting. Others point to their early season success as a sign that they have “peaked” too early. But for me, I believe that the Eels are not currently in a dramatic downfall, but are simply settling into the place l that they should have been all along.

When comparing the Eels’ 2021 season so far to the likes of the Storm, Panthers and Rabbitohs, the three clubs who are clearly ahead of the rest of the competition, it is clear that the Eels were never in the same conversation.

When simply looking at Parramatta’s for and against for this season compared to the other three teams, they stand out as the odd team out. The Eels average a solid 24.4 games per match, trailing the Panthers who average 27.7. The Storm and Rabbitohs blew both of them out of the water with massive 35.4 and 32.8 average respectively. 

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Now you might be looking at the Eels for average and think it is not so bad when compared to Premiership heavyweights Panthers, and you would be right. That is until you consider the average points against. The Panther back up their lower for average with just an average of 12 points per game against them, while the Eels are at 18.6. The Storm again massively edged out the Eels with a 12.3 average. The Eels however do beat out the Rabbitohs who have a 19 point average, but as shown before, the Rabbitohs have the attack to combat their higher defensive average.

With the 2021 competition, the ladder can be categorized a multiple of different ways. I like to consider the top 4, top 8, 7-12 (which in this case are all those teams still fighting for a finals position), the bottom 8 and bottom 4. With these categories, the overview of the Eels season really starts to take shape. The Eels dominate the bottom 4 sides, and hold a solid record over the bottom 8 as a whole as well as those middle teams who are fighting for those final two places in the 8. When looking past that, their performance against the top teams start to fall apart.

When against top 4 teams this season, they have scored a Round 2 win against the Premiership favourite Storm, and in Round 9 they noticed up a controversial win against the injury ravaged Roosters. While their 2 from 6 record against the top 4 teams is better than the Rabbitohs’ 1 from 4, the Eels’ win percentage does not dramatically improve when looking at the top 8 in total. They have only won 4 from 10 games against the current top 8 sides. Compare that to the Rabbitohs where their 1 from 4 against top 4 teams dramatically improves to 7 from 10 against all top 8 teams.

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Not only is the Eels’ win percentage against top 8 sides quite poor, their average margin also lacks what it takes to be a top line team in 2021. They hold a -9.7 point average margin against the top 4 teams, with a slight improvement to -7.2 when looking at all the top 8 teams. Compare that to the Rabbitohs who hold a dramatic -23 against the top 4 teams due to their dual 50 point floggings, they have dished out their own floggings against the remaining top 8 teams to bring their average margin into the positives at 2.2.

Now these stats are all nice to show that the Eels statistically are not a top team, however up until last weekend, they had sat comfortably in the top 4, so where has this “downfall” come from? In short, they are not in a downfall but simply falling into the position that most accurately represents their season. Looking back over the Eels’ 2021 season, there are many of Parramatta’s wins that aren’t as clear cut as they appear on paper.

In Round 1, the Eels kicked off their 2021 season by squeaking out a 24-16 win against the 2020’s wooden spooners, the Broncos. While many have agreed the 2021 Bronco’s outfit is one much improved on the 2020 edition, the Eels were in a massive shock when heading into the sheds at half time down 16-0. While they managed to get the win from a second half fightback, it wasn’t a performance for the fans to be overly happy about.

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In Round 3, on paper the Eels had a convincing 28-4 win against the Sharks but it was far from that. The Sharks had lost four players by half time, leaving them with no bench for the entire second half. Despite that, the Eels only led 12-4 up until the 69th minute before piling on 3 late tries, all of which would have been considered soft tries had it not been for a tired defensive line.This game was the main driving point behind the NRL introducing the 18th man just a week later. While there is no assurance that the 18th man would have changed the result of this game, it certainly would have helped the Sharks put up a better fight and prevented the late blowout. 

In Round 9, the Eels controversially beat the Roosters 31-18. Already down on troops, the Roosters trailed 18-10 heading into halftime before Parramatta’s Niukore was put on report for a shoulder charge that collected Tedesco high. It was also in that play that Dylan Brown drove legs into Hutchson which saw him rushed to hospital with a collapsed lung. Despite both Niukore and Brown receiving lengthy suspensions, neither player was binned on the night which prevented the Roosters from activating their 18th man. The outrage from many fans and media outlets led to the NRL implementing the Magic Round crackdown, which in itself collected a new set of negativity from the fans and pundits of the game. Again, even if either of these players were binned, the Eels may have still walked away with the result, but I feel that many punters who took the 13+ would not have been receiving their payouts.

While these are only three of the Eels 13 total wins, there are many games which saw the Eels fail to run away with a game they appeared to be in complete control of. Despite 2021 being the year of blow outs, Parramatta have only crossed the 40 mark three times, none of which they were able to convert in a 50. The Eels are not in a downfall, they are simply playing the real top teams at the back end of the year, which have shone the light on how they have really been tracking and allowed the team to slide down the ladder to a position that truly reflects the season they have had.

Fancy yourself as a bit of a writer? Got some unqualified opinion and unwavering bias you’d like to share with the world? Send it through to dyor@hellosport.com.au to be featured on the site

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Parramatta’s Revolutionary Plan to Outsmart the Dying Sun

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Parramatta’s Revolutionary Plan to Outsmart the Dying Sun

by The OT Dribbler

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Parramatta Eels’ race against the sun is as well documented as it is worrying for the club and their supporters, but they may have found a new angle that could give them hope for a premiership in the next 5 billion years.

This dilemma is recognised as a situation that requires urgent attention, as the club may be doomed to an eternity devoid of premierships. As the great Neil deGrasse Tyson once said; “If the sun exploded, we wouldn’t know it for eight minutes and twenty seconds… Then we would vaporise, along with Parramatta’s premiership hopes”. 

This has prompted the club to search for a resolution. As a Parramatta supporter myself, I  have been searching for ways that may one day let the glory of the golden age grace the club once more. However, I believe the club has made an important decision that could technically bring a premiership to Bankwest. 

When the Eels’ NRLW team was first announced, I saw it as a great step for women’s rugby league in this country, but there may be more to this than what can be seen on the surface. 

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Even with a squad currently consisting of thirteen players, many would say that their chances of winning a premiership are still higher than the males. In a competition that currently contains six teams, the statistics prove that there is a higher chance of a  women’s premiership occurring before the sun begins to burn helium, expanding and eradicating the human race as we know it. 

Many pundits will jump to dismiss this as a loophole to get around the problem at hand. However,  I would have to disagree. A premiership of any kind would bring joy to the loyal blue and gold army, who have experienced a drought like no other currently present. Thirty-five years. Thirty. Five. 

A multitude of other solutions are allegedly in the works for the club in western Sydney,  including utilising advanced genetics to create clones of Peter Sterling and Brett Kenny. For now at least, this may be the best course of action for the club.

 

Fancy yourself as a bit of a writer? Got some unqualified opinion and unwavering bias you’d like to share with the world? Send it through to dyor@hellosport.com.au to be featured on the site