sheffield shield

Unqualified Opinion

January 15 2022

England Complete Their Ashes Humiliation by Begging to Let Their Players into the Sheffield Shield

hsadmin Unqualified Opinion australia, cricket, england, England players, sheffield shield, Test, Tom Harrison

England Complete Their Ashes Humiliation by Begging to Let Their Players into the Sheffield Shield

DYOR Dave

Over the last two months, Australia have unequivocally alpha’d England in some of the most one-sided tests ever played in the Ashes.

Now, almost as if the humiliation of losing the series wasn’t enough, England have stooped even lower and had their daddy write a letter asking to please let their boys play with the Australians.

Chief Executive of the English Cricket Board Tom Harrison has written to Cricket Australia asking to allow English players to compete in the Sheffield Shield competition alongside their Australian superiors.

Citing England’s poor ashes performance, Harrison was quick to blame his players’ lack of experience in Australia as a reason for their catastrophic demise, saying “The reality is we need to be spending a lot more time with players in Australian conditions.”

These comments come after Harrison attempted to frame England’s Ashes loss and current form slump as a “brilliant opportunity for us to come together as a game and really sort that once and for all.”

Having just announced an official review of this series, the addition of English players into Sheffield Shield is one of many suggestions being put forward to salvage their once-proud cricketing nation.

While its not uncommon for Australians to spend a few seasons in English county cricket, the small amount of Sheffield Shield teams means it’s rare to see an Englishman down under.

Furthermore, the focus of Shield cricket lies more in the development of Test players, whereas county cricket has much more emphasis on overall club success.

Reports suggest Cricket Australia are currently drafting a response to the letter, however, are struggling due to their uncontrollable laughter at England’s pathetic predicament.

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December 10 2021

Can You Separate the Art from the Artist? Shane Warne the Bowler Vs Shane Warne the Commentator

hsadmin Unqualified Opinion 5th test, Ashes, australia, Commentator, cricket, england, Josh Hazlewood, Mitchell Starc, Nathan Lyon, Pat Cummins, Perth, qld, queensland, Shane Warne, sheffield shield, Usman Khwaja, venue

Can You Separate the Art from the Artist? Shane Warne the Bowler Vs Shane Warne the Commentator

by Joseph Murphy

Can you separate the art from the artist? It’s a question that makes the rounds every time it turns out some celebrity is incapable of doing anything productive without also committing an atrocity on the side.

How can we possibly treasure the memories of Shane Warne the cricketer whilst listening to Shane Warne the commentator? How can I reconcile the fact that a man I’ve idolised since I learnt what cricket was, the man who bowled the Gatting ball, the man who won countless test series for Australia, just spent the entire day making me wish he’d shut the fuck up?

Be it refusing to acknowledge that Mitch Starc bowled Roy Burns with an absolute peach, or insisting that England still had a chance to save the innings and score 250 when they were all of 5/not much, Warnie is pissing into the ear of the punter and dribbler around Australia.

Now I’m looking back on 2008, when a long-haired ruffian tipping the top end of the scales had his team chase him through the outfield after knocking over Andrew Strauss for his 700th wicket, with a gnawing feeling that this is the same bloke that refused to acknowledge that a ball that swung half a metre moved at all.

Warnie’s been dipping into his contrarian box a lot recently, picking hot take after hot take of who doesn’t deserve to be in the rest side. Constant hot takes are a gamble, you’ve got to be right every now and then for people to believe you, or you can just be right on one really hot take.

As a gambler, Warnie knows this, and he kept trying to pull himself out of debt with increasingly hot takes, going so far as to insist that batting was the right decision when England were 7 down, they’d just copped a couple of “unlucky” balls and played shots that weak English test players tend to play were, in Warnies view, were just “uncharacteristic”.

Maybe it will all pass as we get deeper into the summer. I mean, I can still watch Inspector Gadget with the knowledge that Matthew Broderick killed two people in a car accident and only had to pay a $175 fine (allegedly, allegedly). But if I hear even a suggestion that Jack Leach is on-par with Nathan Lyon, then how will I ever be able to watch the stump-dance again?

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December 8 2021

“Aussie Pace Trio” Now #1 Search on Pornhub After Incredible Nut Display

hsadmin Unqualified Opinion 5th test, Ashes, australia, cricket, england, Josh Hazlewood, Mitchell Starc, Nathan Lyon, Pat Cummins, Perth, qld, queensland, sheffield shield, Usman Khwaja, venue

“Aussie Pace Trio” Now #1 Search on Pornhub After Incredible Nut Display

by Goose Gould

Australian pace trio Mitchell Starc, Josh Hazlewood and Pat Cummins are reportedly in talks with legendary adult film star James Deen about future collaborations following Wednesday morning’s incredible display of nut.

By midday on Wednesday, the term “Aussie pace trio” was the most searched item on adult website Pornhub all year, while each player saw their profiles skyrocket to the first three positions on the top charts.

Day 1, Session 1 of the First Ashes Test saw an explosion of seed as Starc, Hazlewood and Cummins ripped through England’s top order to leave the visitors reeling at 4-29 before lunch.

Starc’s arguably premature nut brought the Gabba to its collective knees after splattering Rory Burns’ leg stump with seed on ball #1 before Hazlewood and skipper Cummins edged their way to wickets in the 4^th, 6^th and 13^th overs.

Word of the trio’s X-rated exploits shot worldwide with keen attention paid across the Pacific.

it’s alleged United States resident James Deen of having a whopping knob fame reached out to the Herald to flag his interest in collaborating with our test cricketers.

“I’ve throw some nut around in my day but that session of cricket left me breathless,” Deen told the Herald.

“I couldn’t believe it – seed on wood, cherries popping up left right and centre – so I showed my managers some footage and they’re well keen.”

Fellow porn icon Johnny Sins agreed, pitching some prospective monikers for the Australian bowlers.

“I’d work with those boys any day,” Sins eagerly confirmed.

“As for names, Josh Hazabigwood and Mitchell Starkers write themselves and while Ol Blue Eyes works a treat for the captain, Pat Cumminside has a certain ring to it.”

It’s not known whether former Australian skipper Tim Paine’s bulging disc will make him unavailable for selection in the Deen Team but both Americans noted his enthusiasm.

“We’ll be in touch, for sure.”

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December 7 2021

QLD BULLShit: Banana Benders Continue to get Snubbed from the Aussie Test Side

hsadmin Unqualified Opinion 5th test, Ashes, australia, cricket, england, Perth, qld, queensland, sheffield shield, Usman Khwaja, venue

QLD BULLShit: Banana Benders Continue to get Snubbed from the Aussie Test Side

by The Banana Bender Dribbler

With the controversial selection of Travis Head over Usman Khawaja being released this week by our nation’s new fast bowling skipper, it raises the question. Why do Bulls players constantly get overlooked by the national selectors?

Sure, we have Marnus ripping and tearing on an international scale but our sunshine state produces far more talent than the 9% of test spots we currently occupy. To put that in perspective Blues players account for 54% of our first ashes test IX.

So where does the problem stem from, are the selectors ‘stateist’ pricks, or do they just have a type and that type is New South Welshman blue-eyed hot boys? Another question is how many runs does a Bulls player actually have to score to lock down a test spot?

Khawaja and Peirson both had the best shield seasons of their careers, averaging 65.71 and 47.67 respectively whilst being overlooked for Travis Head and Alex Carey. The Carey selection should raise eyebrows on stats alone after he averaged 21.86 with the bat this shield season. Combine that with the fact he is a year older than Peirson, who is the superior gloveman out of the two, and you have yourself a state-based conspiracy.

On the bowling front Michael Neser and Mitch Swepson have been on the cusp of selection for what feels like an eternity but consistently get overlooked for the Blues foursome. Let’s face it, the people at Big Baggy Green have tried to keep the blatant stateist bias out of the public eye for decades but it’s time we exposed it.

Historically Queensland has produced some elite-level cricketing talent that has been grossly underutilised by the national selectors. The likes of Stuart Law and Martin Love both failed to be given a fair look in the baggy green after averaging 50 at shield level for their whole careers. Law even scored 54 not out in his only innings in the test side before being dropped the following game.

Though he played 19 tests for Australia, I still am adamant that Andy Bichel could have taken 500 test wickets if he was given an adequate opportunity at the international level. The bloke dismissed Brian Lara four times at a bowling average of 32 and yet holds the unenviable distinction of being the twelfth man for the test side a record 19 times. I rest my case.

Bulls legends forever,

Stateist selectors never.

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