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Tin Foil Hat-Wearing Knights Dribblers Start Making Excuses in Case They Don’t Make the Top 8

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Tin Foil Hat-Wearing Knights Dribblers Start Making Excuses in Case They Don’t Make the Top 8

DYOR Dave

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With less than three rounds to play before the finals series, the competition in the middle of the ladder is heating up. With 7 teams vying for the last two spots in the top 8, fans are gearing up for a dramatic end to the season which could see a few favourites miss out.

The Knights currently sit in 7th, two points clear of the Titans and the Raiders, and four points above the Sharks, Dragons, Warriors and Tigers. With upcoming games against the Bulldogs, Titans and Broncos, it seems inevitable that the Knights will make the finals, needing only two wins against lower placed teams.

However, perhaps indicative of Knight’s supporters’ outlook on the club, fans have already begun constructing conspiracy theories that will justify their team missing out on the 8. Reports from the city of Newcastle have confirmed that Tin foil is sold out at almost every supermarket, as Novocastrians flock to find any excuse, besides their own failures, for an end-of-season bedshit.

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The conspiracy was in full swing at the midway point of last night’s game, where the Titans were poised to upset the high-flying Storm, which would have seen them overtake the Knights. Furthermore, news had just broken that Tom Trbojevic wouldn’t line up against the Raiders, giving the men from the nation’s capital a big chance of securing two valuable points and moving above Newcastle on the ladder.

The sheer absurdity of this theory lies in the cabal of conspirators that are said to be in charge of Newcastle’s fate. If there’s one thing that any footy fan knows, it’s that Melbourne and Manly are sworn enemies. The likelihood of them cooperating at all is minimal, and for a Knights fan to think that stopping their team would be the one uniting factor that brings these two rivals together shows the complete delusional nature of these claims. Sorry to break it to you Knights fans, but those of us at the top end of the ladder don’t take much notice of the minnows that sit below our feet.

Nevertheless, Novocastrians still think that their players pose enough of a threat to scare even the most unbeatable of teams. I’m no Knights scholar, but I’d be confident in saying that in the era of Joey, fans would be much more confident relying on the skills of their own side, rather than the results of others. Maybe the lockdown is getting to them, or maybe they haven’t tasted success in so long that they’ve become recluse, like a Trump fan unwilling to accept the reality of defeat, the only solace can be found in wild conspiracies.

QAnoncastle soon

Top 8 never

 

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The History of Bullrush

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The History of Bullrush

DYOR Dave

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The historic pastime of Bullrush reigned supreme over primary school PE classes, as every Australian school kid worth their salt was forced to prove their worth on the gauntlet against their most trusted friends. Any child with a half-decent sidestep eagerly awaited their chance to show off, while big boys and manchilds alike relish the opportunity to legally snap their classmates in half. With such a rich history embedded into the folklore of Aussie childhoods, I thought it right to give this sport the proper historical investigation that it deserves.

Playground games such as Bullrush developed in the late 19th century, as children created myths and stories about the black plague that had ravaged previous generations. These stories were translated into games such as the poorly named ‘Black Man, ‘Bogey Man or Black Tom. Similar to bullrush, players attempt to run past the ‘infected’ Man and upon being caught, are then infected with the plague and must join the other ‘Black men’ to try infect the others. The game was often accompanied by a dialogue that was spoken before the start of each round.

Q: Who is afraid of the Black Man?

A: No one!

Q: What will you do when the Black Man comes?

A: Run through like we ought to do!


Racial connotations aside, I would be surprised if the health advice of governments responding to the black plague was to merely “run through like we ought to do.” Nevertheless, the game was popular across the US and UK, despite the worries for the safety of the children, with one onlooker describing it as “a game that stimulated vulgarity, called out roughness and brutality, and allowed too much mauling of one another.”

 

In the 20th century, the game spread around the world and developed into variations known as British bulldog, Red Rover and of course, Bullrush. In Australia, students around the nation. As the game was brought to Australia, students continued the colonial tradition of beating England at a sport they invented, with teachers noting the differences of fitness and ability between the kids who grew up in the fresh outdoor air of Australia and those who spent their early childhood cramped in the toxic air of the industrial motherland.

The safety of the game has become a point of controversy, with around a quarter of British schools having banned the game by 2011, following several spinal injuries and one death. These days, as schools continue to move towards padded cells, blunt scissors and non-toxic glue, bullrush is losing the supremacy it once held. While children still display the thirst for vicious and violent games, teachers and schools are potentially robbing these kids of a great childhood pastime, not to mention stunting their development into hard-hitting, quick-footed Rugby League footballers. Only time will tell whether this long-held tradition remains in the zeitgeist of primary school playgrounds, or if it fades into obscurity, going the same way as rusty slides, trampoline springs and metal merry-go-rounds.

 

Fancy yourself as a bit of a writer? Got some unqualified opinion and unwavering bias you’d like to share with the world? Send it through to dyor@hellosport.com.au to be featured on the site

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A Dribbler Farewell to the Tokyo Olympics

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A Dribbler Farewell to the Tokyo Olympics

by Jonny Ogilvie

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As the sun sets on the Olympics in the land of the Rising Sun, I’ve got a few dribbles to sign off on;
 
Safe to say plenty of people here were naysayers about the games. It’s appropriateness about being held during a pandemic, care factor assuming the Aussies would get pumped, or generally it not being one of the major sporting codes. I was one of them, and was happily proven wrong. They have been incredible.
 
The Aussie team are a bunch of throbbers. Every one of them went down swinging, that’s all we ask. Some won, some didn’t, and that’s ok. They all possess a level of hand-eye coordination, physical ability and mental toughness that 99.9% of people could only dream of. They did us proud.
 
The culture and pride shown by the Aussie teams should be the gold standard amongst sporting teams. Plenty of NRL/AFL teams bang on about having culture; look at the swimmers chanting at the top of their lungs, Patty Mills crying after finally getting it done, or the Hockeyroos being distraught after going out early. It was a case of ‘get on board, or get fucked.’ We can all appreciate that.
 
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The fact Australia punches above its weight at these events is incredible. Population size has nothing to do with it, but funding sure as shit does. They can’t compete in that regard with the US, GB, or ROC, but they still turn up and let those wankers know that they’re gonna have to work.
 
Any ‘pundit’ criticising athletes can get in the bin; most of those cunts couldn’t perform a tumble turn without drowning, shoot a jump-shot without rolling an ankle, run a race without popping both hamstrings or try a side-step without tearing both ACLs. Leave the dribbling to the dribblers.
 
Anyway, to sum it all up, the last two weeks have been awesome and I can’t wait for Paris 2024. I think we as dribblers have a duty to keep an eye on all the Aussie athletes we’ve come to know over the last few weeks; Peter Bol, the Swim team, Ash Moloney, Jess Fox, etc. They get shoved to the side during non-Olympic years, and I think they deserve better.
 
Aussie Gold forever.
Olympic Rings tattoos soon.
Dirty Merger Countries never.
 
 

Fancy yourself as a bit of a writer? Got some unqualified opinion and unwavering bias you’d like to share with the world? Send it through to dyor@hellosport.com.au to be featured on the site

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Who Should be in A Rugby League Big Brother House?

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Who Should be in A Rugby League Big Brother House?

DYOR Dave

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Channel 7 has been enjoying vast numbers of viewers thanks to their Olympic coverage, and the execs have clearly used all their supreme intellect to decide what would be best to keep those viewers engaged after the sports have finished. They’ve rolled out the brown carpet for a group of ‘celebrities’ that they’ve dredged out the sewer of obscurity to partake in the new season of Big Brother. These household names include 4 recycled reality TV stars, 3 models, two actors of little fame alongside Caitlyn Jenner and Matt Cooper.

While this lineup does nothing but drive away the rational viewer, the inclusion of Matt Cooper begs the question: Why not have a Big Brother Rugby League house? Replace the scripted superficial drama with rugby league drama. Give the boys the house and a lot of booze, maybe allow them to bring in some ‘dancers’ and other friends just to spice things up. It’ll be the most-watched show in the nation, so I thought I’d give a few suggestions of who could help bring the Rugby League soap opera to life.

Cameron Munster

The man who took a break in the middle of a bender to win an Origin series will surely be a heavy favourite to win, if for no other reason than his sheer stamina. Some say he’s a grub, others say he’s just cheeky, perhaps a ruling can be made once and for all in the Rugby League House.

John Hopoate

No group of Rugby League personalities would be complete without Hoppa. His unique brand of proudly rectal humour means he’ll be willing to lean into even the most lowbrow of moments. His loyalty, passion and confidence in his own research skills will make him a vital inclusion to the house, although entering a confined space with other people may require him to be vaccinated, which could lead to drama before he’s even entered the show.

Adam Elliott

It would be rude to have a gathering of the kings of off-season footy and not invite the sheriff himself. Boasting the undisputed largest hog in the competition, this inclusion is sure to fill the other contestants with emotions of inferiority, and if the viewer’s lucky enough, they may even catch a small glimpse of his large pipe.

Roger Fabri

The wild card. Who knows what inviting Rog into the house could bring, besides many pairs of fishnet stockings and maybe a few wandering old men. The addition of Roger adds additional layers to an otherwise shallow format. He could find love, he could find friends, he could find inner peace, or he could find himself with a criminal record. Any outcome is sure to be entertaining.

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Buzz Rothfield

Putting aside the worry that having Buzz alone in a house with Rugby League players could lead to him being beaten to a pulp, Buzz would be an exciting tradition. His lifetime working in rumours and hearsay is a recipe for drama, and his experience in the field of what is essentially already a reality show will allow him to divide and perhaps conquer his enemies in the house.

Joey Johns

The OG Rugby League party boy, Joey has the experience, the skills and the contacts to make sure the house never runs dry, and the music never stops. Not inviting such an influential figure of the off-field game would be a crime unforgivable by most dribblers, and his inclusion would bring with it the radiant aura that only an immortal can.

Will Chambers

Every reality show needs a villain, and who better than arguably the most hated man in the league. Having made a career out of getting under the skin of the opposition, and still honing his skills late in his career, Chambers is sure to bring the drama and his signature brand of grubbiness to the house.


Brandon Smith

Who doesn’t love the cheese? He’s the anti-buzz, says whatever comes to his head, no agenda apart from a good time, not to mention that he knows his way around a beer. His combination with Munster works as well off the field as it does on the field, and he’s guaranteed to ruffle some feathers with a few pranks.

 

Fancy yourself as a bit of a writer? Got some unqualified opinion and unwavering bias you’d like to share with the world? Send it through to dyor@hellosport.com.au to be featured on the site

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Spikeball – Magoo or Elite?

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Spikeball – Magoo or Elite?

DYOR Dave

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For anyone who recalls what life was like before lockdown, you might remember a strange game popping up in parks, universities and beaches around the nation. At first, many dismissed this trend as merely a sport for those who couldn’t play sport. Populated by bible studies groups and computer science students, I distinctly remember scoffing upon walking past several games in the university quad.

“Magoo,” was the first thought that crossed my mind, as I wandered to my film studies class 15 minutes late like the cool person that these Spikeballers wished they were. But after a rapid period of desensitisation where I grew accustomed to seeing horizontal nets at local beaches and parks, it was inevitable that I would eventually be dragged into the game.

Now, with about 3 sets between our group of mates, I can no longer avoid the sport nor can I deny its entertainment value. So, having been on both sides of the argument, it’s time to once and for all investigate whether this sport is elite or Magoo.

Spikeball (or roundnet) is played between two teams of two players equally spread around a horizontal circular net a few inches off the ground. To begin the game, one player serves by hitting the ball into the net towards their opponent. Much like volleyball, once the ball is live, players have three opportunities to return the ball by hitting it with any body part back onto the net. Points are won only on service, when the opposing team is unable to keep the ball in play.

 

Originally created in 1989 as a Toys R Us game, the sport experienced a renaissance in the 2010s, with updated equipment, standardised rules, and increasing availability worldwide. Since then, it has grown mainly in the US, with national college championships held yearly since 2017, and a planned international tournament in Belgium that was canceled in 2020 due to the pandemic.

The game draws influence from handball, a classic schoolyard game that even the most weathered sportsman can enjoy, and carries with it the potential for lucky trick shots and miracle returns. Furthermore, the recent partnership with Dunkin’ Donuts has seen it bend over for the corporate dollar, just as any professional sport worth it’s salt would.

Perhaps fittingly, the game was adopted in the US by Mennonites, a religious group that emphasises peace, and despite stemming from Amish traditions, know their way around technology. This popularisation among religious pacifists reflects the vanilla characteristics of the game, which sees far fewer bone-rattling moments than your average ball sport, yet it has still been recognised by some of America’s biggest athletes, like Dallas Mavericks players Luka Doncic and Tim Hardaway Jr.

On the spectrum between Magoo and elite, it’s fair to say that while not reaching anywhere near the heights of Rugby League, it certainly surpasses many sports seen in the Olympics like Taekwondo or synchronised swimming. My conclusion on this is as follows: Spikeball is about as Magoo looking as any sport on the planet, but once you jump in and get involved, its actually kinda elite.

 

Fancy yourself as a bit of a writer? Got some unqualified opinion and unwavering bias you’d like to share with the world? Send it through to dyor@hellosport.com.au to be featured on the site

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Ricky has been gaslighting me

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Ricky has been
gaslighting me

by Eddy

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I never knew Ricky was gaslighting me. I was too smart for something like that to happen to me. The definition of gaslighting is “to manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity.” That wasn’t me. I would have spotted it and stopped it. But I didn’t. Ricky was too clever, never making it obvious. Never being blatant. That’s the way it works. You never know it’s happening until you are already there.

At first, we were perfect. How could we not be? Ricky opened himself up to me. Told me his thoughts, his greatest fears, all his emotions. Told me he had never said these things to anyone else, never trusted anyone else like he trusted me. I marvelled at the honesty. I had never had a relationship like that before. I felt so blessed that finally, finally, I had found the person for me. The person who would never disappoint me and never, ever hurt me.

So, when the gaslighting began, I didn’t notice. Couldn’t notice. The twinges of doubt and confusion I was feeling were wrong. Dead wrong. I got mad at myself for even questioning them. Ricky was perfect.

The twinges got louder and stronger. The mounting losses, the mounting controversies. The media leaks. The impending Ricknobyl. But there was always a reason. Always. And I was always the paranoid one for questioning. How could I doubt Ricky when he promised so much? Maybe I was the one with the issue. It must be all in my head. I needed to learn to trust Ricky more, hear him more, believe him more.

I became obsessed with fixing it. Desperate to avoid his grip. I stayed up all night planning. I stopped sleeping. If I just did this, said this, tried this, I could fix myself. I could be free of Ricky.

But last night’s upset win over the Eels was the final straw. I am done. The gaslighting is complete. I am broken. Ricky has broken me. And I am left alone, with no apology.

 

Fancy yourself as a bit of a writer? Got some unqualified opinion and unwavering bias you’d like to share with the world? Send it through to dyor@hellosport.com.au to be featured on the site

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The Kicking Tee Dribbler Breaks Down Gutho’s Miss Last Night

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The Kicking Tee Dribbler Breaks Down Gutho’s Miss Last Night

by the Kicking Tee Dribbler

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BALL PLACEMENT
Why on earth did Clint set the ball belly up on the tee? It baffles me. Every kicker knows the seam is the literal steering wheel of the Steeden. Lining the seam of the ball with the goalposts (give or take angle for fade) is rule No.#1 in setting up your kick. Amateur hour here from ‘King’ Guth.

THE CHAD POUNCE
Clearly inspired by Chad Townsend of “Imma pounce on this ball like a kitten” fame, Clint started with an awkward half-step. Then he pauses. Very strange. Because of this, he’s essentially attacking the ball from a standing start 4 paces out. At this point he realises, “Oh shit, I need some distance here…” and he overwinds the final two steps of the kick, resulting in the elongated backswing and overcompensation of the left arm.

 

The result? An unnaturally acute hinging motion that compacts everything from toes to fingertips. You can see how he pops his hips back on final release, this turns his torso which torques the ball to the left of the uprights. I know Gutho loves his hips, but as the great Shakira once said, “They don’t lie”. And they were all wrong on this occasion.

With a career shooting record of 70.6%, tonight showed why Gutho sits behind Moses as the Eels 2nd string. As Vossy preluded before the kick, “Can Gutho be King on the Gold Coast…?” The answer is no. He needs to learn how to put the ball on the tee properly first.

SharpShooter School Soon

 

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Nilsso’s Guide to being A Newcastle Knights Fan

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Nilsso’s Guide to being a Newcastle Knights Fan

by Nilsso the Novocastrian, AKA Daiel Ilsso

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As most of you punters & dribblers should know by now, I’m the resident Knights Dribbler of the podcast. If you don’t know me well you should be highly disappointed in yourself and should give yourself an uppercut, as I am self-proclaimed to be the greatest dribbler off all time. 

Anyway enough about me, as you know the mighty Newcastle Knights Rugby League Football Club has not had great success over the past decade. 

We’ve been through a lot, not so many highs and certainly a lot of lows. As low as 3 wooden spoons to be exact. Back to back to back in the 2015, 16, 17 seasons. An uncontested low point in the life of any Novocastrian. 

Anyway, you get the point Dribblers & Dribblettes. The following is my 10 step guide on how to deal with being a Newcastle Knights supporter in no particular order. If followed, this guide will give you the absolute basic and necessary fundamentals of being a raging Newcastle Knights fan. 

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#1 – ANDREW JOHNS

  • Yes the 8th. Did you know Andrew “Joey” Johns played for the knights? Every time Newcastle start to have poor performances fans must make sure everyone is aware, especially the opposition, that we had easily the greatest rugby league footballer of all time play for the red & blue. 

#2 – NRL FOOTY SHOW BEST OFF

  • Yes the old school NRL Footy Show, the glory days, Fatty, Sterlo, Matty & Chief. 1 and a 1/2 Knights legends that were part of arguably one of the greatest Television shows of our generation. Watching class segments like Street talk, Daredevil Dudes (who can forget Chief on the Vomittron!), anti ads and much more  This will certainly “soothe” the pain of yet another sub-par performance from the Knights on the weekend. 

#3 – 1997

  • Have you ever heard a Knights dribbler talk about the 1997 ARL Grand Final? Of course you have! this is an essential topic for any event, Birthdays, Weddings, Funerals, Barmitzvahs, the lot! All Rugby League supporters shouldn’t last 8 hours without someone bringing up 1997. This is one of the most important steps!

#4 – Chief VS Spud

  • Ahhh stand up baby, we’re all standing! Nothing gets the blood pumping more than watching Chief vs Spud highlights on the old YouTube. From hits to fights, they say this was one of the greatest rivalries of rugby league history and it does not disappoint. 

#5 –  2001 OMEN 

  • Did you know the Knights also won the 2001 premiership? Well they did, exactly 20 years ago this season! Make sure you let the rest of the NRL Competition know that 2021 is our season THIS GAME IS OUR GAME. Don’t let them bring up our performance on the weekend or the fact we are outside the 8. As the great Ray ‘Rabs’ Warren would say, “it’s not over until the fat lady sings”.
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#6 – Andrew Johns

  • Did I mention Andrew Johns is the the 8th Immortal? Did I also mention he played for the Knights? Well, this is just a demonstration of the frequency in which you need to reaffirm this fact. Win, lose, or Draw. 

#7 – Silverchair 

  • YOOOOOUUUUUUUU, WAIT TILL TOMOORRRROWWW! That’s right Silverchair, led by singer Daniel Johns, apparently the youngest brother off Matty & Joey or as I like to call them “Sex, Drugs & Rock N Roll”. Remember that time in 1997 when the Knights won the premiership? On mad monday the 8th immortal actually kidnapped a 16 year old Daniel Johns and took him to the Knights celebrations. Ahhhh to be a Fly on the wall that day. 

#8 – ITS BETTER THAN LEGO! 

  • The classic Matty Johns catchphrase that was slurred Live on air on breakfast Television the morning after the greatest Rugby League Grand Final. If you haven’t seen the video, it’s a must-watch, and all Novocastrians must scream this at the top of our lungs when ever we score a try, make a big hit, or win a game. You get the point. 

#9 Kalyn Ponga 

  • Oooh baby, Mr Frash man. The hottest, sexiest, cutest, beautiful, stunning, gorgeous, most gifted NRL player in the competition at the moment. Just remember, he’s wearing the red and blue. Sure he might only play half a season, but he plays it for us. Let that sink in. Smell the serenity. He is a Future Knights Hall Of Famer and will be the man to lift a trophy for the whole of the Hunter in due course. 

#10 BE PROUD 

  • Knights fans, as you probably know, theres no bigger knights fan than Nilsso, and to be honest, with all the low moments, injuries, poor performances  in the last 20 years. From all the off-field scandals to the ladies running the food court at the stadium, I am PROUD to wear the red and blue each and every week. Stay together, keep getting 25k+ fans to McDonald Jokes Stadium each week and be proud to be a Newcastle Knight. 

Premierships en route, stay tuned. 

 

Fancy yourself as a bit of a writer? Got some unqualified opinion and unwavering bias you’d like to share with the world? Send it through to dyor@hellosport.com.au to be featured on the site

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Life in Lockdown with Official Plumber of the Podcast Alex Ironside

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Life in Lockdown with Official Plumber of the Podcast Alex Ironside

by Alex Ironside (Member of the HSP XI)

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The NSW government’s decision to stop any non-essential trades and construction has left me with a wealth of free time. I sit here in the locked down state of Berejiklistan having mowed the lawns, cleaned the kitchen, mopped the floors, and annoyed the shit out of anyone in the house.  I’ve taken DMs from Horhay all day about blocked drains, had a zoom kicking session with KTD and listened to all the podcasts under the sun.
 
It’s been 3 days at home and I already miss my daily life as a dribbler on a work site. I miss Simon the builder who grew up in Sydney’s Northern beaches and somehow goes for the Broncos and the cane toads. I miss how he tries to justify his turncoat lifestyle.
 
I miss my interaction with bricklayers and roofers about how the vaccine will fry my brain, and how you should never drink tap water because it has fluoride in it. I miss getting a coffee from the bloke with his Italian football shirt on and dribbling about the Euros that I didn’t even but still have an opinion on.
 
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I miss talking to the blokes about Rugby Union and explaining why Rugby League is so supieror, or telling them how Josh Addo Carr is the fastest man on the planet. I miss telling people about my junior rugby career, and all the famous people I’ve played with or against. Feeling some pride in what I was and knowing that I can bearly hold my starting spot in reserve grade for Norths. 
 
I even miss the yarns with the boys at Reece plumbing. Cam telling me about how his subbies rugby game was “a hell of game” and that he should be in 1s. Just remember over this next bit, to call your mates and dribble with them, because in this time of isolation, dribble can bring us together. When this is all over, I’ll be there to argue with any dribbler that the Wallabies are bringing the Bledisloe home.
 
Something to think about
 
 

Fancy yourself as a bit of a writer? Got some unqualified opinion and unwavering bias you’d like to share with the world? Send it through to dyor@hellosport.com.au to be featured on the site