Six Possible Venues for the 5th Test That Cricket Australia Won’t Even Consider
DYOR Dave
Supreme leader of Western Australia Mark “Mao” McGowan has delivered one of the all-time great bedshits, as he has lost his state the annual 5th Ashes test.
While residents of the hermit state are still coming to terms with this loss, it opens up a unique opportunity to play the final test at a new and exotic location.
I thought I would suggest a few possible options that Cricket Australia could consider if their interests truly lay in growing the game, rather than rewarding whoever throws the most money at them.
North Sydney Oval
The Mecca of local Sydney cricket, North Sydney has more history in its sausage stand than most stadiums do in their entire oval.
One of the biggest problems facing Australian sport these days is the lack of connection between the grassroots and the highest levels, so what better way to bridge that gap than to host a game at the 150-year-old ground that just about every dribbler in the city has either kicked a footy or hit a kookaburra on.
Mawson Station Antarctica
Based in Australia’s region of Antarctica, you wouldn’t be wrong in saying it’s as much “in Australia” as Tasmania is.
Despite its temperatures, Antarctica is actually the driest continent, meaning the best chance for 5 uninterrupted days of play. The same unfortunately can’t be said for the mainland with La Niña around.
The dry conditions will also mean a fast pitch and outfield, as well as a lot of bounce for our new captain to show his prowess. It’ll be breaking new ground for the game, and yet another ground in Australia that England can’t win at.
Whitsunday Sports Park
A cricket oval next to a picturesque mountain which is also next to a pristine blue reef? I’m already booking flights. Sure there’s no grandstand, toilets, bar and the car park can barely fit 20, but it’s worth it for the view.
Without overseas travelers, the tourism industry is suffering, so why not get a few thousand dribblers to North Queensland and let them loose on all the rainforests, reefs, towns and footy ovals. What could go wrong? They could even bring their jet skis and watch the game from the water.
Don Bradman’s childhood oval in Bowral
The omenry at play if Australia were to return to that hallowed turf would probably be so strong that England would fail to make a single run. It’s a no-brainer.
At the Don’s home is where his spiritual powers are the strongest, and he may even be able to enter the body of both Marnus Labuschagne and Steve Smith at the same time, to set up a record-breaking 1000 run partnership.
The embarrassment to England would be so severe Australia would instantly take over the monarchy, with Smith as our King. A yearly public holiday will be celebrated in his honour, and England will go on to lose every test for the next decade.
Christmas Island
Just like Tasmania, Christmas Island is part of Australia, but also not really. Unlike Tasmania, it’s home to a beautiful warm climate, lush rainforests and a host of rare and unique animals.
Christmas Island could really do with a PR glow-up and hosting the 5th Ashes test would definitely bring back a bit of the holiday spirit that earned the island its merry name.
Located about 1000km northwest of Broome, the tropical weather and hot conditions will no doubt prove difficult for the poms to handle, giving Australia an unnecessary yet enjoyable advantage.
The SCG
Give me another test. I want to see more live test cricket. 5 days per summer is not nearly enough.
If NSW Premier Dom Perrotett can secure two Sydney tests every year: I, Dyor Dave of Antifa fame, swear to vote Liberal every state election so long as we still see two Sydney tests. that’s how badly I need more test cricket in my life.
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