Charles Darwin’s ‘Seven Genomic Stages of A Dribbler’ Theory
by The Kicking Tee Dribbler
Since the beginning of time itself, a few questions about the universe and its parts have long wafted in the air, left unanswered by years of philosophy and evolution. What does come first, the chicken or the egg? Did Adam Elliot birth his hog or did the hog birth Adam Elliot? Is the Dribbler born with dribble genetics or is the Dribbler taught to master the art?
As God’s winter game closes and I soak in the NRL finals for a second time as a self professed Dribbler, I’ve been pondering these very questions. After a few weekends spent within the confines of my local University library, I’ve discovered that the great Charles Darwin, (a longstanding Dribbler himself) in fact wrote a theory on the evolution of the Dribbler. I’m aware Dribblers are not often found amongst library shelves, nor are they gifted long attention spans so I’ve done my best to summarise Darwin’s Dribbler theory within seven simple stages.
I hereby present…
THE SEVEN GENOMIC STAGES OF A DRIBBLER
Stage 1: PD – The Pre-Dribbler Era
Whilst Darwin’s Dribbler Theory was in fact left unfinished, his early research suggests that a Dribbler begins to show symptoms of dribble from the time they first set foot in the TAB and front bar of the pubs of our fine nation.
It is from this marquee moment, the Dribbler begins to show early signs of their penchant to dribble. Whilst they have yet to discover the podcast, they obviously self-identify as the lippy bloke in a group of mates. They possess the worst on-field sledging in a local Div 5 cricket game. And they are the most often left unread in the team group chat. Before discovering the podcast, a Dribbler is unsure where and how to channel their energy. This is the Pre-Dribbler era and Darwin feared many were still left unmarked in the wild…
Stage 2: D-Day
Discovery Day. This occasion marks the day the Dribbler discovers the podcast. It can occur in a few ways. Often it’s a coworker or a team physio who pulls a stray Dribbler aside and whispers “Hey mate, I can see you’ve got a problem, there’s a place you can go. You can stay anonymous if you want, it’s a free service but I think it’ll do you some good…”
The Dribbler has probably spent the past 10 years melting their brain to the sound of Joe Rogan endorsing horse tranquilizers, so the suggestion of a new podcast is met with confusion and unease. However they decide to take on the recommendation from a trusted source and begin to seek out the HelloSport Podcast. And proceed to discover the world of the P and the D.
Stage 3: Hotline Bling
Darwin identified a clear 3-6 week gestation period in which the Dribbler becomes engrossed in the podcast. Beyond the Monday afternoon drive home, the Dribbler begins to seek out previous episodes and further channels for Dribble. It’s at this stage that the Dribbler dares to dream…
‘Could I call the hotline… Could I have a Dribbler name…?’
The Stage 3 Dribbler begins to practice their dribbles in the shower. It’s a dangerous time for the Dribbler, often unaware of the pitfalls that precede them. Past mistakes include taking on ‘The Disciples’ and calling the poddy as the Gatorbeug Dribbler, or being daft enough to call the hotline and ask, “Hi Tim and Edward, what’s your favourite hangover food…” Some key Stage 3 symptoms include making an entrance into the Ps Ds page, watching an About Even episode and googling ‘Where to Buy Punters and Dribblers Cap’.
Stage 4: A New Dribbler in the Family
We now reach the most common stage of Dribblers. Here the Dribbler is a weekly listener, a regular consumer of Blokes and they’ve even purchased the odd Doctor V or three. The Stage 4 Dribbler becomes increasingly active in the page. They’ve brushed up on their chops on Pixlr.com and have begun to photoshop Ricky Stuart causing Canberra’s very own Chernobyl disaster.
They’ve reached a stage where they are game enough to call out Kendrick (Love ya bra) in the comments or start a fight with an unprepared dribbler. They’ve grown a new leg of lippy behaviour taking great pleasure in typing, ‘TAKe ya LIcks!’ under any HSP Instagram post uploaded after a Famous Manly loss. They’ve probably purchased a shirt, maybe even a tracksuit and it’s clear that the Dribbler is lippy enough to stay for the long haul.
Stage 5: Household Name
Darwin exposed that there are examples of Dribblers becoming famous for something, someone or a particular area of expertise. Most of these Stage 5 Dribblers have etched their names into halls of Baggy Green membership. Others have not… *ahem* Regardless, some examples of Stage 5’s include Danny Exotic ‘The King of Rack n’ Red’. The Jelly Shot Kid of St Peter Plaque fame. There’s ‘Ilso The Novacastrian’ who’s won and lost more letters than a game of Wheel of Fortune. Ironside The Plumber, The Shit Parramatta Dribbler, The Manly Dribblette, The Texas Dribbler, the Prince of Sharpie Pens ‘The Dot Point Dribbler’ and of course The Hans Zimmer of the Pod, Mr. Fiocchiaro.
The Stage 5 Dribbler has seen more than one winter and are old enough to remember the Moon Landing and what that meant under the dark days of the pandemic. When Stage 5’s see a block of tasty cheese in Woolies they indulge in a giggle as they remember Big Tasty and the Tasty Boys (Reach Out! For fucks sake, where ARE you guys!?) And whilst their Mothers, Girlfriends and employers couldn’t give a fuck about their self-appointed level within the Dribbler Kingdom, the Stage 5 continues to Dribble.
Stage 6: Friend of the Show.
We’ve reached the upper echelon of Dribbler infamy. Darwin identified Stage 6 Dribblers as Dribbler’s who’ve gone on to become more famous than the podcast itself. Notable examples include ‘Nudes Soon Bracey’, St Peter, The Rock, and Christian Welch. There’s Adam Elliot’s Hog, Kelly Slater’s voicebox, and AFL Commissioner Scaredy Cat McGill and his tiny slimy, slug-like piece. There’s Tonka The Dog, Rain Man, the Fuckwit with Spacers and that random homeless guy who gatecrashed the podcast and needed a lift somewhere.
Their aurora alone has gone on to bring more people into the podcast. And they sit high and comfortable in their affluent VIP Members Box at the DCG. The Dribbbler’s Cricket Ground.
Stage 7: The Final Dribble
Darwin’s final stage in the Dribbler evolution is marked when the Dribbler dribbles so hard they pass into the next life. I once asked Tom and Eddy this very question on the hotline, “Which Dribblers will be standing on the door at the Pearly Gates of Heaven, Bloke in hand welcoming Dribblers inside?”
The answer? Well, there’s a few, Gus and Buzz will be there. Charles Darwin too. Richie will already have a VIP table up the back in a private booth. Steve Irwin will be there and so will Shane. But the fella taking names, asking for ID’s and giving you a playful uppercut and a knock around the ears as you wait at the door will be the one and only, OAM and NSW Blues legend Tommy Raudonikis. And he’ll be pulling you a fresh, frothy Bloke and firing up the crowd for ‘Cattledog’ as soon as you get inside.
VALE Tommy.
In a year when we lost the great Western Suburbs Magpie and Newtown Jet, it seems fitting that Charles Darwin bookended the seven stages with a man who taught, coached, and inspired the art of Dribble.
Fancy yourself as a bit of a writer? Got some unqualified opinion and unwavering bias you’d like to share with the world? Send it through to dyor@hellosport.com.au to be featured on the site
